Excerpt: Love in the Time of Frostbite

Krista felt unnerved by the quietness that greeted her. Colie Harry’s was dark. The noise and light from the popular restaurant normally spilled out into the street but now the vanished energy gave place to a strange void. Donna had asked to meet her here. Surely the place hadn’t closed during her trip to Alaska but if it had surely Donna of all people would have known it. She practically lived here.

She turned the handle on the door. It was unlocked. Krista was conscience of the fact that this and her own breathing were the only sounds to be heard. Even the rest of the street was quiet. Slowly she opened the door and was immediately blinded by bright flashes and pandemonium.

She was used to dangerous situations. Bears on camping trips, extreme drop offs on a steep climb or even battling hypothermia in cold places. She had faced all of those and survived and despite her fears and she would survive this. Her heart jumped to her throat as she prepared herself to turn and run but as her eyes adjusted she felt relief wash over her and a bubble of laughter quickly replaced the tight knot of fear that had tried to form inside her.

All of her friends were there blowing noisemakers, taking pictures and yelling out “Surprise!” Up over the crowd there hung a large sign that spelled out CONGRATULATIONS! in huge colorful letters and it was framed by party balloons. From someone deep in the melee Donna emerged to greet her with a hug.

“We rented this place just for you!” She said.

“You shouldn’t have!” Krista said. She responded to the hug with joy as she caught her breath. Even as she said the words to Donna Krista admitted to herself that deep down she didn’t mean it. She was so glad to not have to pass this night alone haunted by grief and old memories. Dad, you should have been with me on that mountain. You should be here now. Those kind of thoughts always blazed across her mind without warning and while the pain had lessened over the past two years there was still something inside her that she referred to as “The big empty’. The vacant space in her life where her dad had always been before. The phone calls she wouldn’t get. The words of encouragement she wouldn’t hear again. She could sense it now as she looked around the room. So many of his friends were here and she knew they too had had little to smile about in the past two years. They knew what this day meant to Krista Grant and what it would have meant to her father Frank.

“Congratulations! How was it? What was it like to stand on the highest point in North America?” Dona’s boyfriend Miles materialized out of the shadows and followed upon his question with another hug.

“It was cold. Steep…horrible, painful and miserable and in the end exhilarating!” Krista said. Laughter flooded the room. Krista remembered that the last time all of these people had been together in one place it was for her father’s memorial service. Now they were all together again laughing and enjoying life the way Frank would have wanted them to. Maybe this time she could put the past in a pocket and really move on and fill up that big empty. Heaven knew she had been trying hard for the past two years.

More and more greetings, hugs and handshakes followed. Krista found herself answering the same questions over and over but she didn’t care. Tonight she wasn’t alone with her pain and she sensed that these people needed this party just as much as she did.

Finally a distinguished looking man with a handsome weathered face walked out of the crowd. Krista didn’t wait for him to approach but immediately ran over to him threw her arms around him. She felt a reassuring tightness to his embrace and the rest of the group stood by out of respect. He pulled back and his smile betrayed true joy.

“Your father would have been proud of you.” He said. Someone had finally mentioned her dad and it was appropriate that it had come from Sam. He had been Frank Grant’s best friend and constant climbing partner and had been there all through Krista’s path as well. A quiet moment passed as the memory of Frank Grant was evoked in the midst of the party.

That quiet moment was broken by the sound of celebratory music. Someone put on a recording of the Traditional Irish jigs that she and her father had always loved and listened to together. The crowd around Krista started to thin and people broke off into little groups. Some began to do silly mock folk dances around the floor. The party atmosphere was good. She could almost breathe it in. She accepted a soft drink from Sam and turned around to find a corner booth where she could take a break from talking and just enjoy the festivities.

She found a seat and just she started to raise her glass to her lips a familiar voice was heard above the sounds of the gathering. It couldn’t be. Her hand was paralyzed, her forgotten drink hung in mid air. She looked around for the source of the sound and glanced over to the bar and for the second time that night suddenly found it hard to breathe. What was HE doing here? Of course Frank had been his mentor and Father figure but this was HER party. HER achievement. Surely Donna didn’t invite him here…but then it would have been just like him to crash her party. Then almost right away she was sorry for her thoughts. It had been an automatic reaction left over from childhood and there was no reason to think that way anymore. Hadn’t she just come to the conclusion that this party was really for everyone who loved Frank? There was no doubt that the young man sitting at the bar loved her father. Everyone knew that. There was no reason to be constantly disturbed by his presence anymore. Despite the small tempest inside her she couldn’t take her eyes off of him.

Jake Kendall was sitting with his back toward the bar facing a small group of people. That was normal. There was always a crowd around him hanging on his every word. It was usually young men and women new to the sport. She could see the look in their eyes, that bordered on adoration and she couldn’t blame them. She hated to admit it but were she a young inexperienced climber she would seek Jake out. The young men wanted to be him and the young women smoothed their hair and giggled when he said anything to them. She couldn’t hear what he was saying but by his gestures she could tell he was describing a rather amusing tumble. His forte was telling funny stories about himself and he had the perfect voice for it. The sound of laughter burst from the small group. That was normal as well. Wherever he went laughter followed after him. It used to annoy her but now she found a smile coming on despite her efforts to stop it.

She hadn’t seen him in a long time but he appeared not to have changed all that much. The same unruly thick blond hair, the sharp angled cheekbones, the turn of the mouth that would clearly indicate to anyone that this person had a cheerful disposition. Only she knew how easily he could be flustered when she was able to scurry up a rock face faster than he could. She had to admit that her own girlish taunting was part of it. Poor dad was always trying to keep peace between the two of them. Dad! The pain came back again. She knew her father’s death had hit Jake hard but if he had any pain he was keeping it quiet, at least in the company of others. He didn’t look in her direction.

An unreasonable panic started to rise inside her. She could free climb a one pitch overhang with her eyes closed but the thought of having to speak to him made her mouth go dry. What if he wanted to talk? What would they say to each other? They hadn't seen each other or communicated for two years. Not since her dad's memorial service.

Krista shut her eyes at the memory. Jake on the other side of church, a mutual glance and his normally twinkling eyes were red rimmed with tears. He had turned away and since then they had not spoken. Rumors began to circulate among the climbing community and in the press that Krista was angry with him for leaving her father on Everest and Krista hadn’t bothered to quash them but it wasn’t out of anger. Most people knew of the rivalry between them and had just assumed things. She had to admit that the stories weren’t all that far fetched. She had spent most of her teen-age years either angry or annoyed at him and most people in this room knew it. Frank’s daughter and Frank’s protégé… rivals in the sport and rivals for the attentions of her dad.

She wasn’t angry. She just didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t want to talk about Dad, not with her mother, not with Jake, not with God or anyone. Deep down she knew it was wrong to let things go on like this between them but she was resistant to making the first move. She felt a quiet tug and wondered what her dad would want her to do. He would want her to follow Biblical examples and be a peacemaker. She shut her eyes as she tried to imagine him sitting beside her urging her to do the right thing. She didn’t know why she did that. She accepted that he was gone but something inside of her still wouldn’t let him go.

She looked up and saw that the crowd around Jake had dispersed. He had turned back around to the bar and had a glass of something in front of him but he wasn’t drinking it. She watched as he fiddled with a straw. With one slow deliberate action he turned to face her and she was staring into Jake’s eyes again. He was looking past the faces of everyone in between and was looking straight at her. This time his eyes were clear and direct. No laughter behind them, no pleas, no questions. Just a look. A sudden memory seized her. Her first inclination was to direct her eyes away quickly but she dismissed that as a junior high action. She swallowed hard and pushed down the panic. This was silly. They had spent their teen-age years together. He was her father’s protégé. They might have fought but they did have a grudging kind of respect for one another. There was no reason for this. Before they acted like a couple of spoiled bratty kids but the time had come to put all that away and to act like grown ups. She put down the fear the same way she always did. By looking past it and pretending that it wasn’t as bad as it really was. The crevasse really wasn’t that deep and the time had come to cross it.

Krista felt awkward but forced herself look back without flinching and she even managed a small smile. He smiled back, and as if that were a signal he got up and came over to her booth sat down across from her. A subtle hush went around the room, not enough to break the noise of the party but just enough to let Krista and Jake know that they were being discreetly observed. She could see that Donna and Mr. Patterson were pretending to carry on a conversation but they were in reality watching them.

"Congratulations Krista" Jake said.

"Thank you Jake'. Krista said. That awkward feeling returned. He stared down at his glass. Was he gathering up his own courage to speak to her “How absurd this all is! He’s not afraid of anything! Can he possibly be afraid of speaking to me?” Krista thought. He finally looked back up at her.

"How was it?" he asked. That was a good way to start. A neutral conversation about the climb.

"You know. You’ve been there. The usual. Cold. Exhausting. Frightening. . You probably heard that Michael broke his arm but he's going to be ok. We had a tough time getting him out of there and back down the mountain. Those crevasses are everywhere and they show up without warning. A place could look perfectly solid and poof...there’s crack in the earth and the weather was horrible…but in the end...it was worth it like it always is." Krista had told the story ten times that night but now she was having difficulty getting the words out. She was nervous and was babbling; telling Jake things he already knew about Denali which made her feel even sillier.

He managed a small grin during her recitations of the woes and foibles of trying to tack the highest mountain in North America. A silence followed.

"Your dad would have been proud of you." he said. His voice was quiet, a rare thing for him.. She had heard that same sentiment several times tonight but coming from Jake was different. Now they were getting down to it but how to proceed. Would be safe for her to wander over into forbidden territory? Wasn't that what she was always doing? Going places where people weren't supposed to go. She decided to take the chance. There would be no more hiding from shadows and just like a rock wall that that stood in her path there was no going around this either. She took a small breath.

"You know he would be proud of you too Jake. I know about some of the things you've done. You rescued that group in the Andes..."

Jake winced. “I’m not a hero. I just happened to be the one who was able to run the fastest and was still left standing after the avalanche because I as lucky enough to run in the opposite direction from everyone else….”

The news accounts had said differently but Kristin was surprised that he reacted that way. He had always been a bit of a glory hound before which was one of the things that had annoyed her about him. Maybe Dad’s death had softened him up. She decided to plunge ahead.

'Jake, despite all the gossip I was never angry with you. I didn’t want to talk about Dad and I didn’t want to be around anyone else that was grieving for him either. It was terribly selfish of me but it was all such a shock…” She couldn’t finish. The thought hung in the air between them.

Jake said nothing.

"I just want us to be friends and not avoid each other. Its time for us to move on. I should have done this earlier but to be honest I didn’t know how. I didn’t have the slightest idea of what to say to you. I’m sorry about how I acted and I’m sorry that you lost dad. We….I need to grow up." She said.

“I really didn't think you were angry despite everything that happened before. We were never ‘not’ friends. Despite everything I ever said to you in anger or frustration…I really did respect your accomplishments. It just...I can't explain it. "Jake said. He sat back in the chair and glanced around the room. Krista observed Donna turned her head just in time to avoid being spotted watching him.

"I think I understand. I guess we should have grieved together Jake, with Mom and Maria and Sam and all these people… not retreated to our own little corners of the world. I could have tried harder to contact you. I was just surprised when I came home and you moved out without a word. Mom and Maria said you didn’t say where you had gone."

“Me going off on my own didn't have anything to do with you. There are just some things I need to get past and I'm sorry I ran off like that. I should...I should have been there for all of you too. I just thought you wouldn't want to be around me...it might remind you...I was with him. I was there."

“I’m glad you were there Jake. I’m glad someone was with him, somehow familiar. I know what dad was to you and what you meant to him. I didn’t like it at the time but I was just a jealous kid. It’s ok Jake. Are we ok?" she asked.

He looked up from his drink and stared hard into her eyes.

"Yeah...as far as I'm concerned the two of us, we’re ok." He said. His relief became immediately apparent. His whole body relaxed.

Krista noted the way he had worded that ‘the two of us, ‘we’re ok’and tucked it away for future reference.

“I was wondering how long we could go on avoiding each other. You know I didn't go on that expedition to South American with Jon Pettigrew because I thought you didn't want me along?" she said.

Jake nodded.

"I didn't go to Europe for the same reason. I thought...." he began. Krista held up her hand to silence him.

"Let's just not assume things anymore. Ok..." she asked. “We’ve assumed far too much for far too long already’.

Jake let out a long forced breath. He gave her big smile that was reminiscent of the old days.

“That went over easier than I thought it would. I was fully prepared for you to throw your drink in my face again.” He said.

“Jake…what did you expect to happen when you make cracks to a 16 year old girl about how girls shouldn’t be climbing the high peaks?” Krista said. She didn’t throw her drink but did aim her straw at him. He avoided it at the last minute.

“I was hoping it would discourage you and make you stop so your dad and I could go on expeditions without you.”

“Why?”

“Because you were better than me. You know what that does to a guy!”

“Jake…I grew up with it. That’s the only reason I was better than you. You just came to it a little later and you made up for lost time very quickly.”

“That’s what Frank was always saying. He was always trying to calm my wounded ego. YOU never did.”

“Of course I didn’t. You were the enemy.” She said.

Jake threw back his head and laughed. A long clear laugh and it drowned out the white noise of the crowd. Krista didn’t want to admit it but she had missed that. Even when he was at his most irksome he could make the most somber situation lighter. She couldn’t remember the last time anyone around her had laughed like that. People stopped talking and turned to look in their direction. Once again Krista glanced over Donna and saw her try to hide a smile.