Excerpt: The Witwright Irregulars Versus The Phantom Nightmare

Rey wheeled in another cart. Steam rose from it as it rolled closer to the table. Peter recognized its occupant, a circle topped with tomato sauce, melted cheese, and various meats. It was already cut into triangular slices.

"Pizza?" he said, staring at the new dish.

Anna beamed, her eyes wide open. "Pizza!"

"Homemade and fresh from the oven," Rey said. "Here at Witwright Manor, we make our pizzas fresh!"

Sophia clutched her rumbling stomach. "Ohhhhhhh..."

Wiggins shook his head and wiped rice, bits of fried wrapper, tomato sauce off his mouth with his napkin. "I don't think she likes our choice of cuisine, sir."

"How unfortunate." Rey pulled off a slice, blew on it, and took a big bite out of it. "Mmmmmmmm..." he said, a string of melted cheese hanging from the corner of his mouth.

Anna bit into her slice again and again, licking off any cheese that caught onto her mouth. Peter took small bites. Miss Grey finished her slice in a few bites and received another from Rey. Sophia frowned as she watched everyone dig into their food.

"Miss Sophia, this food is good," the bodyguard said.

"Again I say, I will not defile my stomach." Sophia looked towards the kitchen. "I'll wait for dessert then, if it's actually tasteful."

"Oh, it's wonderful," Rey said after having his third pizza slice. "A shame you won't have any."

"And why is that?" Sophia asked, fixing her gaze on him.

"House rule is that you must partake in the main course in order to indulge in dessert," Wiggins said. "From what I can tell, you're the only one who didn't partake, so no dessert."

"That's not fair." Sophia scowled. "I got dessert regardless of whether or not I finished my dinner."

"She speaks the truth," Miss Grey said with a sigh.

"I also speak the truth now when I declare all this"--Sophia gestured towards the food--"as undeserving of my pallette. It is lowbrow, and the chef exercised poor judgment in preparing it."

Wiggins dropped his fork, which had a mini-calzone impaled on it. "Oh dear."

Rey looked towards the kitchen and then at the table. "Not good."

"Exactly how I would describe this food in the mildest terms possible," Sophia said. "I am Sophia Appleton, heiress to the Appleton fortune, and I will not tolerate being served this swill."

Peter didn't say anything and resigned himself to staring at her while a half-finished pizza slice sat on his plate. Anna glared at her.

"Stop being mean," she said. "This is good food, and the chef did a good job."

"The chef is a hack job who is incapable of creating anything palpable."

Rey and Wiggins looked at each other.

"I predict trouble, sir," the butler bear said.

"I'm inclined to agree with you, old friend," Rey said.

Miss Grey patted her charge on her shoulder. "Miss Sophia, you need to calm down."

"I will not calm down!" Sophia shot out of her seat. "I deserve better food, much better food!" She pointed to the kitchen door. "I will not eat anything prepared by a poor chef!"

Peter wanted to tell the rich girl to calm down, to sit down, and to have a bite of something. Her stomach wasn't lying, but her pride was keeping her from enjoying what was perhaps the best food he ever had. It beat cabbage soup any time, that's for sure. Anna looked like she was about to kick Sophia in the mouth, and Peter couldn't have that. Of course, why would any of them listen to him? Anna still did stuff he didn't like despite his admonitions, and he couldn't give orders to someone of a higher station. He pondered his choices: Get everyone to calm down and risk offending a member of one of the oldest, wealthiest, and influential families in the world, or sit there and listen to all the verbal abuse, risking getting a headache.

Then came a loud cooing from the kitchen. All eyes turned towards the door.

"Uh oh," Rey and Wiggins said at the same time.

The door flew open, and something shot out towards the table. It stopped in front of Sophia and waved a fingerless fist at her.

The rich girl's mouth opened into an O, her jaw almost hitting the table if it could physically do that. "What the...?"

Peter tried to understand what he was seeing. A small creature hovered over the table, its wings opened as wide as possible. Its heart-shaped head sported oval eyes and no mouth. Except for its white eyes and wings, every part of its body was pink. A chef's hat sat on its head, and a red heart stood out on its chest.

The creature pointed to Sophia and began cooing loudly at her. Its face turned a darker shade of pink, and it waved its fingerless arms in the air.

"What is that?" Anna whispered to Peter, who could only shrug with a blank look on his face.

The creature continued cooing at Sophia, who stared at it without comprehension. Miss Grey also stared, but looked ready to defend her charge.

Rey cleared his throat. "Um, Amor milady, you may want to have everyone understand you."

The creature named Amor turned to Rey and nodded. "Sorry about that," she said.

"And take a deep breath before continuing."

Amor sighed. "Okay." She sucked in air and exhaled, although Peter didn't know how that worked without a mouth. Then she resumed being angry at Sophia.

"So," she said, "you don't like my cooking, huh?"

Sophia raised an eyebrow. "That's correct."

"Now listen here, missy..." Amor flew closer to her face. "I work with the finest, freshest ingredients to create dishes Mr. Rey and Wiggins love, and now, you"--she poked Sophia on the nose--"you come in here and insult my hard work because you don't like it?"

"Well--"

"I'm not done talking to you!" Amor yelled, poking Sophia in the nose again. She lowered her voice. "I'm not done talking, so you keep quiet."

"How dare you!" Sophia shot a glare at the chef. "Do you know who I am?"

Amor folded her arms across her chest. "Try me."

Sophia took a deep breath before speaking. "My name is--"

"It doesn't matter what your name is!"

The force of Amor's voice shoved Sophia back. Miss Grey seized the back of her chair from behind to keep her from falling and returned it to an upright position.

Heavy breathing came from the little chef. "Now listen up, and listen good, missy!" she said, glaring at the rich girl. "I work hard to get food out for people to eat, and I won't tolerate people who don't like my food without trying it, especially people who call and say they're coming while I'm preparing everything for dinner and don't bother telling us what foods they like and don't like." A growl came from her mouthless face. "That's just rude, you know. How would you feel if I insulted your cooking before I tasted it?"

"Excuse me?" Sophia gave the chef a wide-eyed stare. "I don't cook."

"Oh dear." Amor shook her head. "That's sad, very sad." She cleared her throat--at least Peter assumed she had one. "Anyway, you don't eat dinner, you don't get molten chocolate cake."

Silence, absolute silence, dominated the room.

"Molten...chocolate...cake?" Anna whispered to her brother.

Peter couldn't help but smack his lips. He remembered having molten chocolate cake at restaurants. Of course, that was before...

"Molten chocolate cake?" Sophia said.

"With vanilla ice cream," Amor said. "Homemade vanilla ice cream, just made today."

Rey beamed. "Told you it'd be wonderful."

"Indeed." Wiggins ran his tongue over his lips. "Do make sure to add strawberries to mine."

"Right." Amor flew towards the kitchen in a leisurely pace. She stopped before the door and faced the table. "Oh, and since you've been so rude, missy, I'm not taking any special orders from you, so there."

Rey winced as the kitchen door slammed shut. "That went rather well."

"Agreed, sir," Wiggins said, taking a sip from his glass.

All eyes focused on the host and his butler bear. Sophia glared at them, gripping her fork.

"What are you two talking about?" she asked.

Wiggins scratched his neck. "Shall I tell her, sir, or shall you?"

"I've got this, old friend." Rey turned to Sophia, his hands clasped together. "Well, you're very lucky, Sophie."

Sophia bit back her annoyance. "Whatever do you mean?"

"Well," Rey said, gesturing towards her with both hands together, "Amor is normally pleasant, but she's rather tempermental, and to be frank, when her cooking is insulted, more than feelings are hurt, if you catch my drift." He sighed as he swirled his drink. "Just to clarify in case no one gets it, you insult her cooking, you'll be lucky if you're still alive."

Sophia pointed towards the kitchen door, her eyes wide open and focused on her host. "You mean you're telling me that that...thing...could possibly kill me?"

"Yeah." Rey took a deep drink from his glass. "She may be small, but she's pretty strong."

"I remember when Roberto first met her." Wiggins chewed on a gyoza. "She almost broke his ribs when he insulted her taco salad."

Peter gulped loudly, his grip on the edge of the table tightening. "Almost...broke his ribs?"

"And his arms and legs," Rey said, pointing his spoon at Wiggins.

"Ah, almost forgot that." Wiggins sipped from his glass. "Broke his bones pretty badly after that fall."

"Fall?" Sophia said.

"From the roof." Rey pointed towards the ceiling. "Heck of a fight they had, what with all those wrestling moves Amor put him in--she performed an excellent clothesline followed up with a body slam, for instance--but in the end, the fight went to the roof, and Amor threw him off."

"Wait wait wait." Anna waved her hands before her. "She threw him off the roof?"

"He got better," Rey said. "He just slapped a few bandages on, and he was fine in a week."

"Really?" Anna said.

"Really really."

Sophia let out a snort. "That's preposterous."

"That's Roberto," Rey said. "Remarkable fellow."

"Um..." Peter raised his hand as if in school. "I'm wondering what Amor is exactly." He adjusted his glasses so they sat evenly on his nose. "Is she some sort of robot?"

"Hmmm..." Rey leaned back into his chair. "Good question." His hands together noded up and down. "However, she's not the matter at hand, now, is she?"

"Huh?"

"I rarely get visitors out here," Rey said. He tossed a mini-calzone and chewed and swallowed it within seconds. "People tend to see me because of what I do." He wiped his hands on his napkin. "Now, while we digest our meal and most of us"--he looked at Sophia, who scowled--"wait for dessert, I'd like to know why you require my services."