Excerpt: When Life Spins Out of My Control

Hello. My name is Twyla Harris, I was born Twyla Caster and will return to that name soon. Basically the reason for my blog is that I am a mess. I am newly divorced and it has hit me hard. I need to deal with this or sink into a depression that won’t go away. I have realized that I need to take back my life. It seems like such a daunting task that I have decided to start slowly and by taking back my house one room at a time. I guess I am hopeful that one of you reading this will have some bit of wisdom to share, or will be able to solve all my problems by one miraculously brilliant statement. So, I am sure you are wondering how did I get here and what exactly caused the problem? Let me share.

I am currently 26 years old. Average height for a woman and proportionate build. That translates to me being 5'5" and about 105 lbs. I have light brown once shoulder length (now outgrown from any semblance of a style) hair that is painfully straight and very pale blue eyes. I am currently working as a Lead Finance Assistant at Parker Smythe Financial Advisors. I should be working as an actual Financial Advisor, but I didn’t finish my BA so I am having to work my way up through the ranks. I should go back, but that’s another decision that will have to be made that I can’t deal with right now.

Five years ago I was attending University in Arizona. I was in my third year of the BA program in Finance. I was 22. That is when I met “him.”

“Him” is Daniel, my ex-husband. Daniel Harris. He was 23 when I met him and in his final year at the University. He was majoring in... well, never mind it really doesn’t matter and I don’t want to make him any more real that he already appears. Anyway, he was 6'0" tall, about 190 lbs of chizzled muscle. His hair was so dark it was almost black. He wore it short and always sported a 5 o’clock shadow. He was dark and sexy. We met at a school function and I couldn’t believe that he approached me. I mean, I am not ugly, but I am rather plain. Anyway, he did approach me and we laughed and talked throughout the event. After it was over he asked if I wanted to get coffee and pie. We went to a local coffee bar and talked for almost four hours. We were pretty much inseparable after that. Dan graduated May, 2003. We married that summer and moved up two hours north, to Gilbert from Tucson. I agreed to transfer to the University in Tempe, which was closer to our home. That, of course, didn’t happen.

Dan was immediately hired at a large financial firm and worked hard to prove himself. We bought a nice brand new home because we entertained a lot. Due to the requirements of impressing Dan’s co-workers, peers and clients, and the expense of the new home, I decided to take off a semester or two and well, that was years ago now. At the time I didn’t really mind. I loved Dan so much and I was so proud of him. He worked so hard, had a large book of clients and people loved him. I felt so special being married to such a successful and incredible man. Of course, his working so hard meant that I did without a lot of his company. He would always tell me we had to pay our dues and then he would be around so much I would be sick of him. I couldn’t wait for that day to come.

After our third anniversary in 2006, still not back in school, I asked Dan if we could have a baby. He hadn’t wanted to before because of the demands of his work, my work, and the fact I was supposed to finish my last year of school. Dan said he simply wasn’t ready, asked me to start taking classes and we could have a baby after I graduated and found the perfect place to launch my financial career, and then after a year or so went by and I was set. So, the way I saw it, my baby wasn’t coming until approximately 2009. It seemed so far away. As usual, I agreed with Dan. He did agree I could have a dog. It seemed sweet at the time. Now, I just feel manipulated, but it was what it was back then. Anyway, I signed up to take two classes at the University in the evenings. Tuesdays and Thursdays. After a couple months it reached a point where Dan and I weren’t getting along, I asked him what was wrong and how were we going to fix it. He felt that I was neglecting him because I wasn’t home in the evenings, and told me that so many things were going undone, and his work was suffering. He was up for a junior partner position and felt he couldn’t put forth his best efforts with all the things he was having to do with me in school. I felt awful. This was the man I believed in and had commited to his success. I agreed to quit school until he made junior partner and then I would go back. Of course, I never did find out what “things” he was having to do. Most evenings he wasn’t home for dinner. Some evenings I even got home from school at ten at night and he wasn’t there. What an idiot I was, but since I loved him, I guess my heart was in the right place which should have counted for something, but I guess when you give someone who is self centered an inch, they take a yard. But, I digress.

In September, 2006, when the new semester started and I wasn’t going back, I was rather depressed. I felt so alone because of the late nights Dan worked, the trips that took him away on the weekends, he said he was very worried. Once night he brought me home a scraggy little dog he had found on the streets. It was a grey curly haired little mutt dog with the biggest brown eyes. I fell instantly in love with him. After all, he needed me and repaid my every kindness with kisses and a wagging tail. If Dan had shown half that enthusiasm for the things I did for him I wouldn’t be in this position right now. Anyway, I bathed the little raggedy dog and it turns out that he was actually a light silvery curly grey dog. I checked the dog pound, humane society,

and the newspapers, looked for signs or posters; no one seemed to be looking for the little guy. I took him to the vet and had him checked out. Other than being a little skinny the vet said he seemed healthy and was less than a year old. I was completely smitten by the little guy. I named him Raggy Charlie and he is with me to this day! Dan “let me have him” in the divorce. I don’t think he would have even noticed if I replaced him with a different dog, Dan pretty much always ignored Raggy Charlie. I think he only got him to keep me occupied and so I would stop asking to go with him on his weekends out of town.

So, about this time you are already reading the writing on the proverbial wall and asking yourself if I was blind, stupid, or both. Truth was, I was my own worst enemy. Yeah, I had doubts and fears that Dan had reasons beyond work keeping him away from home. I was so insecure I would never have approached the question. Remember I said I was plain, and remember I said I was shocked that he had approached and then picked me? Well, that hadn’t changed. I didn’t realize how much I had contributed to his successes at work. I just felt that my wants, if ever spoken, dragged him down. A good wife never drags her husband down. So, to my own demise I accepted everything and continued to try harder to make it work and keep him contented and successful. I paid the bills, cleaned, laundry, managed the dry-cleaning and the yard, shopped for food, clothes, cooked, packed, unpacked, anything that happened in our house, I did. When Dan came home, I would make him a drink, sit quietly while he read the paper or watched TV, we ate dinner and he would retreat to his office to work, or whatever. The dog and I would walk, and watch late night movies with ice cream and dog cookies. Occasionally Dan would come to bed while I was still awake. Occasionally we would have sex. When we were first married he was the most giving and attentive lover. I never dreamed sex could be so fulfilling. By our anniversary in 2007, when Dan forgot it was our anniversary, and after we went to a last minute fake pre-planned dinner, with no gift or card, and we came home and had less than mediocre sex, I finally realized our marriage was a nightmare.

Things went on status quo for months. We co-existed. We didn’t fight. That would have required too much passion. We didn’t have it. I really somehow expected that things would get better. I know, I was blind. This past March I was paying our February, 2008, VISA statement and there it was.... an entry that read “AdultFriends.” The charge was for $300.00. Sadly, the entry showed up a couple more times on that statement and some of the charges were $500.00 and up. I was so confused and shocked. I pulled the statements from the past several months and for some reason I had not seen that this entry had been occurring for months. Always out of state. I dialed the credit card company and asked what these charges were for. The lady on the phone felt it necessary to laugh at me, but eventually told me it was adult escorts. Was Dan taking escorts to his meetings? Was he taking them to the dinners that I wasn’t allowed to go to? Am I completely stupid? Yes. I was. So, I called the adultfriends number from my statement and found that I could arrange for a male or female escort for an evening. When I told them I needed an escort to a business dinner, I was told the evening would be $200.00 for three hours and that any extra services would be billed by my date. I asked what extra services were; again I caused the lady on the phone to laugh. I hung up the phone. Raggy Charlie was sitting at my feet and looking at me like I was the greatest thing in his world (ok, it was dog treat time). I announced to him that his ‘daddy’ was charging hookers on our credit card! I didn’t even know you could charge hookers on a credit card! Since when do hookers take credit and debit? I was finally beyond hurt and alone. I was pissed!