Excerpt: Prism

It was 1am. She found herself wandering down the glittering abandoned streets, trying to clear her head. She worried that the combination of icy streets and tear-filled eyes was a recipe for disaster, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop, to even slow down.

“…there’s nothing more without you, without you here…” the radio whispered somewhere in the background, bringing a fresh set of tears to her already soaked cheeks. It wasn’t as though she had somehow forgotten (how could she?), but this extra reminder that the love of her life was gone sent a wave of grief so deeply through her body that she became nauseated. Her stomach began to cramp and she could barely catch her breath.

If only it had been something as simple as a breakup, she thought. Erin was gone. Lost forever. Not only to her, but to everyone who ever cared for Erin. Asleep at the wheel. A trying day, a lack of sleep, a long, dull stretch of road. She had been so full of life. How could anything have been strong enough to suck it out of her?

A red light. Overcome by the stillness, Megan’s shoulders shook as she wept freely and loudly. She felt the warm air her heater was blowing through the car’s vents brushing against her skin. She wondered if it was the same warm comfort that lulled Erin to sleep. She wondered if she allowed herself to succumb to the same fatal sleep if they would be reunited in some cosmic afterlife. The concept that Erin was gone, was never coming back, was too monstrous to comprehend.

The light changed to green, but Megan felt no need to rush. In a town this size it was unlikely that she would find anyone else on the street at this hour of a Wednesday night.

How long had Erin lay there in her car alone? A bloody mess with no help in sight. Had anyone heard her? Surely the sound of crunching metal couldn’t have gone unnoticed. Had she suffered? Was she laying there alone, the world growing darker, knowing that her life was slipping away? Was she in pain?

The questions became too much to bear. Megan had received word of the accident via text message. Erin’s mom seemed to be the one tasked with notifying everyone. “There was an accident. Erin has passed away,” was all the message had said. Megan didn’t understand it at first. She held her phone in her hand, reading the text over and over trying to figure out what it meant. Death. It eventually sunk in and the wind was stolen from her lungs. Fingers flying, she called Patti, Erin’s mother.

“Hi Meg,” Patti answered. Megan hated the abbreviation, but Patti was one of the few people in the world that she allowed to use the moniker. The exhaustion in her voice was evident from the first syllable out of her mouth.

“Is it true?” Erin asked. She couldn’t bring herself to say the words. At first her question was met with silence.

“I’m so sorry. I just can’t keep repeating this. I’m…” Patti choked back tears as she tried to continue. “I’m going to send out an email to everyone with a little bit more information. I’m sorry honey, I just can’t talk about it.”

It didn’t seem like confirmation enough. Megan expressed her sympathies and relieved Patti of the conversation. After hanging up she dialed Erin’s number. Four rings and then Erin singing, “Just leave your name and number and I’m gon holla atcha!” She didn’t leave a message. There was no easy way of saying are you still alive? The idea seemed too ludicrous to entertain so she tossed her phone back in her purse and decided she’d wait for things to be sorted out. She didn’t think an email from Patti would even arrive. Surely Erin would see Megan’s missed call and ring her back shortly.

Only the call never came through. And Patti made good on her promise to send an email with more information. Erin really was gone. When she first received the messaged Megan had howled. Her roommate ran in to find out what could possibly have evoked such a noise and found Megan on the floor on her knees with her forehead to the ground. Thinking he would have to dial 911, Brendan picked up the cordless phone that was sitting on Megan’s bookshelf then crouched down next to Megan.

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt? What happened?”

Thinking back on it as she continued her midnight drive, Megan couldn’t be more thankful that Brendan was home that night. A former college football player and high school wrestler, he was able to lift Megan off the floor and onto her bed when she realized that all her strength had been sapped. She had blubbered something almost incoherent, but he managed to understand that he should read whatever was on her screen. His face went pale. He was never close with Erin, but he knew how much she meant to Megan. He had spent the remainder of the night kneeling next to Megan’s bed, stroking her hair and letting her cry until she fell asleep.

She didn’t know how she would have made it through that first night without him, but now she dreaded the idea of going home and facing him again. He had been so sweet and understanding. He kept checking in on her, seeing if she needed anything, making sure to be a shoulder for her. She didn’t know how to tell him that his support only served to further remind her of an event she couldn’t possibly forget. So for now, she just wanted space.

As she continued on, lost in thought and a haze of memories, she realized where she was. That stretch of the 6 that would never be the same. This is the spot where Megan was robbed of a friend, Patti was robbed of a daughter and Erin was robbed of a life. She didn’t know where exactly the accident had happened, but she knew she was close. There would have been no skid marks to indicate where Erin had run off the road and any damaged brush would have been snowed over in the three days since the accident. Nevertheless, Megan pulled her car to the side of the road. Without bothering to pull on her jacket, she stepped out, the snow crunching beneath her feet.

She stood next to her car, staring into the dark. She didn’t know what she was looking for. “I love you,” she said into the abyss. She could feel her body begin to tremble again. “I miss you so much.” Her muscles jumped erratically, both from emotion and from the cold. Hoping her message had been received she climbed back into the car and let the warmth defrost her skin before finally making the trek back home. Brendan was already asleep and she thanked whatever godly being loomed near for that small bit of fortune.

Her mind still raced, her heart still ached. She didn’t foresee sleep in her future without some form of chemical aid. Brendan kept a collection of various sleep aides in his bathroom as he’d dealt with long bouts of insomnia since his freshman year in high school. Megan hadn’t had much experience with the pills, so she eyed each package carefully, trying to figure out which would be the strongest. Finally deciding upon the package with the boldest colors and the most foreboding warning label, she popped the recommended dosage. Then she poured a few extra in her hand. She knew it was unlikely that an extra dose or two of sleeping pills would do anything more than make her lethargic at best and sick at worst, but she swallowed them anyway, tempting the powers that be to end the ache that she knew would accompany her for years.