Excerpt: 1,000 Milligrams of Lexapro

Friday, October 16, 2009 Day 2 5 Milligrams (I remembered!)
So I went to work fortified with Lexapro. Ha! That sounds like a box of corn flakes: Now Fortified with Lexapro! And I know there is the whole "placebo effect" thing, but seriously, I felt *awesome* on my way to work. Like, I felt like I was walking on clouds as I got ready for work. It must have been the placebo effect, right? I mean, there's no reason to feel like you're walking on clouds five minutes after taking a tiny white pill.
And then I even put on my favorite red sweater for work, and my favorite pair of black slacks--the pair that make me feel like a million bucks. And GET THIS—I actually put on MAKEUP. I *know*! I never put on makeup! But I couldn't help it. I just had to put on makeup this morning.
I even got a song in my head as I walked to the car. I got "Smells Like Teen Spirit" in my head. I was whistling it as I locked the door behind me.
And then things got even better. I saw the hottest man I've ever seen in my life.
Granted, I have had very low standards in the past, but this time, I'm serious when I say he was gorgeous. Brown wavy hair, tanned skin, and he even looked like he might have muscles on him. It's hard to guess that when you see someone in their winter coat, but on the other hand, he was carrying a pretty heavy cardboard box into the apartment building next door. It takes muscles to do that! So I'm going to infer that he has a few guns under that coat.
I almost drooled on myself. Seriously.
And then as the drool nearly froze in the cold morning air, I felt the hotness (heat?) rise from within me again. It hit me in the face. Dammit! Not again! I gulped down the panic and practically ran down the street toward my bus.
I fucking hate the panic. I really do. It pisses me off more than I could ever explain to anyone else in the world. I can't even LOOK at a guy without freaking out now. That's just crazy.
So work was fine. I pretended the thing with poor Bradley never happened, although the look on his face was pretty much like a dairy cow in headlights. I asked for volunteers to come to the board to write some math problems from the homework on the board, but I didn't call on him—and he didn't volunteer. Lesson learned! I will never force a high-school boy to get out of his seat ever again.
After work, I went to my therapy appointment. I don't really like having therapy appointments on a Friday evening, but sometimes I think it's good. It lets me get through the junk of the week, and then I get it off my chest and I can leave it behind me for the weekend. Well, that is, after I stop crying on the way home from the appointment.
So Helen was impressed that I'd already seen the psychiatrist. I was kind of proud of myself for that one. We talked about how the LExapro might make me feel like I'm superhumanly awesome for a while, but that I would then get to a happy medium that would be higher than wher eI had been before I started taking the medicine. She stressed that it was just until I got through all the bullshit that she and I had to talk about.
I told her about the call with Liss, and how Liss wouldn't really tell me if she'd ever taken anti-depressants, and then I even told her about how my parents are suddenly getting their damn divorce. She said that it was normal for the adult children to feel extra stress, or something like that. (I'm paraphrasing, obviously.) I felt like she was really supporting me, which was great. I actually felt more of a connection to Helen than I have felt since our first few meetings. So maybe going to her is helpful, and even more helpful than I thought it would be.
And then as I was walking home, who did i see but that cute guy again. OMG! He's even more gorgeous than I thought. He wasn't still moving in furniture. This time, he was carrying groceries into the building. I tried to be all nonchalant and act like I was admiring the fall leaves as he fumbled with his house keys and got them into the door lock. But my nonchalance paid off. I saw where he lives! HE's on the second floor, and his window faces my window! I Don't know how I didn't notice that before! The old nudist must have moved out.
I was so psyched to see him there, and I got the walking-on-cloud feeling again as I walked into my own building. Until I walked in and saw that Euler had puked on the floor again. I know it's Euler, because he was looking at me guiltily as I closed the door behind me. Plus Gauss never pukes, but Euler has a hairball issue.
So I cleaned that shit up, and I was about to order out for pizza when my cell phone rang. It was Liz.
"Ohmigod," she said as soon as I answered it. I barely even had time to say "hello." Actually, I think I said "hello?" at the same time that she said her "ohmigod."
"I'm so sorry I forgot your birthday, dude," she screeched into the phone. "Please don't be mad at me. I was just super-super busy. This new job is kicking my ass."
Liz just got hired a few weeks ago, after graduating with a degree in English. She is now working at a doctor's office as a file clerk. You'd think she'd get something more in her field, but Liz claims that to be an editor, you have to know people and be famous enough or something. I don't know. Anyway, she has a crap new job, but she claims it will pay the bills. Ah, the folly of youth.
"No problem," I said, and honestly, I don't give a shit that she didn't call for my birthday. I prefer my Godiva-Dom parties to be private anyway. "How are you?"
"No, dude, I'm serious. I feel horrible," she went on. "I even bought you a card and I forgot to send it. I feel like such an awful person. And like I'm the worst little sister in the history of the world."
"It's just fine." I rolled my eyes. "Seriously. It's fine."
"Are you sure? I'm so sorry."
"Well, I'm not sorry. I think it's fine. But I do have a question to ask you, since you're on the phone."
So I asked her the same anti-depressant question I'd asked Liss. And I expected to hear the same "uh, um, I gotta go" kind of response. But Liz just said cheerily, "Yep! I'm on Lexapro!"
"You are?" Her cheerfulness startled me.
"Yeah! I started it a few years ago. Right after my junior year of college."
I was stunned. That meant she'd been taking Lexapro for just over two years. "And you never told me?"
"Well, was I supposed to?"
"I dunno."
"So why are you asking?" Liz asked.
"Because I just started taking Lexapro this morning. And I just wondered if it was a family thing. I guess it is, if you're taking it too."
"Well, lots of people are taking it, to be fair. We are really drugged up in this country."
I didn't know what to say next. It felt weird to be honest with Liz. I mean, I'm always honest with her, but to actually talk about this kind of thing? We never do that. We always talk about stuff like work, and if we've gone on any dates recently. The weirdness spread throughout my body, making me feel like I had just brought up a deep family secret. Because really, it was starting to feel like one, what with Liss ignoring me about it and Liz acting so damn cheerful about it.
You know your family is fucked up when you are more willing to talk about your parents' impending divorce than you are to talk about an anti-depressant that you and your sister happen to both be taking.
"So is Dad really leaving Mom?" I asked.
"Seems like it," she said. "I kinda thought Dad was kidding, but then he showed me his acceptance letter."
"Oh, god. Does Liss know about this?"
"I don't think Mom has told her yet. Can you imagine Liss freaking out?" Liz laughed.
"You are entirely too happy. The Lexapro must be working," I said. "That gives me hope."
"Just give it a few weeks. You'll start laughing again, too."